The Secret Political Adviser Read online

  ‘Sorry, what?’

  Farage and the Environment

  Farage doesn’t have time for climate change. Not yet anyway. When he’s hurriedly adapting his Range Rover Discovery into an amphibious 4x4 and propelling himself into town for marked-up lifejackets from House of Fraser, then he’ll have time for it. But at the moment he’s one of those rah-rah-pish-and-nonsense puffins who believe the green agenda to reverse the damage done to the world is nothing but a liberal scam. Quite how saving the planet can be interpreted as some sort of hoax is a theory I’ve yet to fully comprehend.

  Farage and Smoking

  Farage was against the public smoking ban and saw his own habit as an act of solidarity and defiance. This is the kind of man you’re dealing with: someone who smokes a cigarette indoors and thinks they’re Thomas Becket.

  Miscellaneous Farage Data I’ve Made Up That Might Not Be True But Probably Is

  1) He has a glass-fronted cabinet in the living room full of dubious-looking porcelain figurines.

  2) He has a functioning VHS recorder.

  3) He has an ornately framed oil painting of a horse and cart on the wall above his bed.

  4) He never makes eye contact with anyone who works in a coffee shop.

  5) Whenever he smells a barbecue in his neighbourhood, he calls the police.

  6) He never shares a sharing bag of chocolates.

  7) Whenever he witnesses someone breast-feeding in public, he calls the police.

  8) He never asks where the toilets are in a restaurant, believing it to be a sign of weakness.

  9) He has never ridden a pedalo.

  10) He smells all fruit with suspicion before putting it in his shopping basket.

  11) He has a wavy front-garden hedge of which he is overly proud.

  12) When he has a builder in his house, he calls him ‘matey’.

  13) He has a Tower of London Beefeater costume he puts on when he’s alone and sad.

  14) His computer has a maximum-sized cursor that takes up a quarter of the screen.

  15) He doesn’t understand the system at Argos.

  16) He once sat in the children’s sandpit in a recreational park for forty minutes talking about border controls to a sock puppet on his hand.

  17) He doesn’t cook very often, but when he does, he wears an apron with a tea towel over the shoulder and he says ‘make room make room make room’ when he takes something out of the oven.

  18) He will press the button on the pedestrian crossing a little bit harder than you just to make sure.

  19) He has a little stool in his garage for cleaning the roof of his car.

  20) A little fucking stool. You know he does.

  Diary: Thursday 1st September 2016

  Day off today. It’s a welcome break. Axworthy and Downing Street are having a spat over an ‘access to Theresa May’ lunch being held during the Conservative Party conference next month. The idea is that if corporate execs are willing to stump up £3,000, they can attend a lunch with the Prime Minister and assorted cabinet members.

  Quite why anyone would want access to Theresa May is confusing to begin with. Two hours in the company of her and her colleagues and you’d be paying to be removed from the table. Perhaps I should provide that as a service? ‘Engaged in a torturous lunch with the leader of this country? For £3,000 I can kidnap you and transfer you to the cloakroom with a bag of crisps and a fizzy drink until she’s gone.’

  Axworthy believe this lunch to be an open goal for the media and have ordered me to stand down until the matter is resolved, which I fully expect it to be. Someone sent me the provisional itinerary for the lunch and it’s pretty clear from the way it scans that Downing Street need us more than we need them.

  12.00: Introduction by Philip Hammond (crispy squid)

  12.25: Protecting jobs with Dominic Raab (compressed watermelon)

  12.50: Modernising the economy with Michael Gove (roasted squab pigeon)

  13.15: Regional productivity with Matt Hancock and Liam Fox (smoked duck and caramelised peach)

  13.45: The business sector with Damian Green (baked aubergine)

  14.10: The future of housing with Liz Truss (torched halibut)

  14.30: The importance of local community with Prime Minister May (apricot jelly)

  AXWORTHY GLOBAL

  PO BOX 998 · ALDINGTON ST · KW17 5EH

  From: M

  To: Dipak and Charlotte

  Date: 21/09/16

  Heading: PP Dalton

  Message:

  I’m as surprised as you are. As we have always made clear, Axworthy is apolitical. We are a hired gun. No more, no less. Nevertheless, my jaw was firmly caked in porridge this morning when I got the email saying Jeremy Corbyn requires our assistance.

  It seems he is at the end of his tether with regards to the outspoken author PP Dalton, famous for her series of renowned children’s sci-fi books about a time-travelling boy called Wayne Harmony.

  According to Mr Corbyn and his advisers, the ceaseless call-to-arms by Ms Dalton to form a new breakaway party is too much of a distraction, and they have asked us to do something about it. Something entirely legal but at the same time entirely damaging.

  In case you’re not up to speed with Ms Dalton’s Twitter feed, here are a few choice tweets relating to the matter. Once you’ve digested these, let’s arrange a meeting ASAP and see what we can come up with.

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Jan 9

  Brexit is the fault of Corbyn. If he’d campaigned for Remain instead of posting pics from his allotment of his favourite marrow we wouldn’t be in this mess.

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Jan 25

  Survey shows Corbyn is seen as more ‘in touch’ with people than Boris Johnson. So? The golden armour of Henry II of France is more in touch than Boris Johnson. Enough Corbyn-cuddling. He needs to go!

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Feb 2

  I’m backing Owen Smith for the Labour leadership. He looks like the sort of person who’d bore you rigid about a recent cycling weekend he’d been on with his friend Ian [1/2]

  but he’s got my vote because his message is clear – he isn’t and never has been Jeremy Corbyn. [2/2]

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Feb 15

  We need a *real* leader. Big news on its way!

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Feb 27

  We cannot carry on with Corbyn at the helm. And so it is with a heavy heart that I announce I am renouncing my membership of the Labour Party. [1/2]

  I’m joining my friends in a new breakaway party campaigning for a different EU referendum. We’re called the Differeferendum Party. Join us! [2/2]

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Mar 3

  It is with a heavy heart that I announce I am leaving the Differeferendum Party due to differences over the different referendum. The only way we can beat Corbyn is if we work together. [1/2]

  If anyone has any ideas for a new party, please leave a message with my agent Trinny. [2/2]

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Mar 15

  Pleased to be offering my support this morning to the new Central Democratic UK Freedom Party. This is a game changer! Corbyn out!

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Mar 21

  The Central Democratic UK Freedom Party is now defunct. But don’t fear! The best minds from the CDUKFP and the Differeferendum Party are coming together. [1/2]

  They’ll form a lasting challenger to Corbyn’s brand of harmful far-left politics. They don’t have a name yet but I’m sure it will be a good one. [2/2]

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Apr 3

  Just been to my first meeting with the Centralist Democrats for Real Change Party and I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say Corbyn will be dust in a matter of months.

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Apr 4

  It is with a heavy heart that I announce that the Centralist Democrats for Real Change Party appears to have disbanded. Or at least, he’s not returning my calls. More news as I get it.

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · Apr 25
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  Sorry to say that the Centralist Democrats for Real Change Party has joined the Lib Dems. The idiot.

  PP Dalton @MsPPDalton · May 1

  OK, this is it now. For the first time in months, I’m sensing hope. Please click on the link to become a member of the Kingdom United Party. www.kup.com/join [1/2]

  This is different. Together we will defeat Corbyn and ditch the Tories with one movement. Definitely this time. #UpForTheKup [2/2]

  From:

  M [mailto: [email protected]]

  Sent:

  10th November 2016 08:34

  To:

  A [mailto: [email protected]]

  Subject:

  My Concerns (Part One)

  Hello A,

  As requested, I’m currently in the departure lounge at Gatwick, bound for Washington DC. My flight is inevitably delayed so instead of spending hundreds of pounds in Cath Kidston – my preferred pursuit when I need to pass the time in this godforsaken aeronautical shitscape – I have decided to sit and write this email to you, regarding the representation of the 45th President of the United States.

  I do not want us to represent the 45th President of the United States.

  I understand from DC HQ that the wheels are already in motion and I just want to make it clear from the off that I think it’s a very, very, very bad idea. The next four years are going to be bleak, frightening, horrific, depressing and yet somehow utterly predictable too: it’s going to be a four-year-long M. Night Shyamalan film. Please reconsider.

  Ever since the organisation was first brought over from the UK to assist President Ford in the aftermath of Watergate, we have remained by the side of the commander-in-chief. With varying degrees of success, admittedly, but we have done it without anyone knowing we exist and therefore with our credibility intact. I fear this period of stability will unravel with the next president.

  As your most senior adviser, I predict without hesitation that President Trump will be impossible to counsel. He will ignore our guidance and over time will tarnish our reputation inside government circles. He will wear us down until we’re nothing more than a local outfit doing quick surveillance jobs from a Citroën Berlingo. In fact, judging by the intel we have on him, I’d say he’ll probably try and pull the trigger first (hopefully not literally).

  And finally, on a personal note, if we do have to work with him, please don’t put me in charge of operations. I have high blood pressure these days and by all accounts working for that man is like working with a klaxon wearing a tie.

  Got to go: I’ve just seen a mustard-coloured notepad in the window of Cath Kidston that is both very expensive and wholly unnecessary, so I’m going to buy five.

  Best,

  M.

  MEMORANDUM OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

  DATE:September 1, 1997

  Prime Minister Blair: It’s a new initiative, which we hope will bring unemployment down.

  The President: That sounds great. You know we had a nationwide competition here for unemployed folk? The prize was one hour in my personal bowling alley.

  Prime Minister Blair: I didn’t know that.

  The President: This guy from Utah won. Boy, could he bowl. I never got a sniff of winning a game.

  Prime Minister Blair: I see.

  The President: He was rubbing my face in it by the end. I told him, ‘I just authorised a bombing campaign in Yugoslavia, buddy. Cut it out.’ But he just kept on. Doing these little dances after each strike. Asshole.

  Prime Minister Blair: It must be late where you are.

  DATE:October 12, 1997

  Prime Minister Blair: Then of course there’s the issue with tuition fees. I’m very much spinning plates at the moment.

  The President: Have you ever actually done that?

  Prime Minister Blair: Done what?

  The President: Spun plates?

  Prime Minister Blair: Er, no.

  The President: I did it once. It was during the ’94 midterms. They put on a big rally in Kentucky. I managed sixteen plates.

  Prime Minister Blair: That’s . . . good.

  The President: Sixteen.

  Prime Minister Blair: Yes. Well done.

  The President: The guy in charge of the plates said it was amazing for a first try.

  Prime Minister Blair: How did the Iraq briefing go?

  DATE:March 1, 1998

  Prime Minister Blair: Bill.

  The President: Good afternoon, Prime Minister.

  Prime Minister Blair: How are you?

  The President: My hands are a little sore today but I’m good.

  Prime Minister Blair: Your hands?

  The President: Yeah, I punched a ham.

  Prime Minister Blair: Sorry, did you say ham?

  The President: Yes. I beat this ham to pieces. I do it all the time. Al put me onto it. It expels a lot of frustration, you know? Pent-up stuff. You feel like a king afterwards.

  Prime Minister Blair: Oh right.

  The President: But you certainly feel it the morning after. Next time I’m over I’ll bring a ham. We’ll punch it together.

  Prime Minister Blair: We have ham here.

  DATE:April 25, 1998

  Prime Minister Blair: Yes, Bill, nice to hear from you.

  The President: I apologise for calling you so late in the evening.

  Prime Minister Blair: That’s quite all right. Cherie and I are driving back from a charity function in Leeds.

  The President: I love Leeds. Leeds Castle is so beautiful.

  Prime Minister Blair: Leeds Castle is in Kent, Bill.

  The President: Why is Leeds Castle in Kent?

  Prime Minister Blair: I don’t know.

  The President: Is there a Kent Castle in Leeds?

  Prime Minister Blair: No.

  The President: If I were in Leeds, I’d be pissed off that Kent has my castle.

  Prime Minister Blair: Right.

  The President: We don’t really have castles here. Not proper castles. The castle in Disneyland is impressive.

  Prime Minister Blair: Yes, yes it is. I took the family there two years ago. It’s a fantastic castle.

  The President: Yes, but compared to UK castles, it’s a beer crate. A beer crate full of shit.

  Prime Minister Blair: What were you calling about?

  The President: I can’t remember.

  DATE: June 8, 1998

  The President: Before I go, could you settle an argument?

  Prime Minister Blair: I’ll try.

  The President: It’s B, L, A, R, E, right?

  Prime Minister Blair: Sorry?

  The President: B, L, A, R—

  Prime Minister Blair: Are you talking about my name?

  The President: Yeah. It’s B, L, A, R, E, yes?

  Prime Minister Blair: Are you joking? Is this a joke?

  The President: No, I’ve just been talking to Leon and he said—

  Prime Minister Blair: Bill, I am about to do PMQs, can I call you back?

  The President: If you would. I’ve got five bucks riding on this.

  Prime Minister Blair: Goodbye, Bill.

  The President: How long will you be?

  Prime Minister Blair: Hard to say.

  The President: OK, I’ll go punch a ham until you’re done.

  Diary: Wednesday 30th November 2016

  Heading back home.

  Downing Street wants me to take a detour to Serbia to – and I quote – ‘seal Boris Johnson’s useless carcass inside a massive jiffy bag and post him to the Faroe Islands’.

  Apparently he’s been promoting his new book about Churchill during an official state visit, signing copies in a book shop.

  It’s not like alarm bells weren’t ringing when he was appointed Foreign Secretary. As Theresa May was assembling her first cabinet – presumably without the instruction manual – the shrill of an old school alarm bell was really all one could hear along the corridors of Westminster. And it sounded peculiarly like ‘P-l-e-e-e-e-a-s-s-e n-o-t J-o-
hn-s-o-n . . . P-l-e-e-e-e-a-s-s-e n-o-t J-o-h-n-s-o-n’.

  But that’s government for you. As soon as they disappear behind that big black door, they become immune to the sounds outside, most notably the sound of common sense. You don’t appoint a character like Boris Johnson to the role of Foreign Secretary. You just don’t do that. Not unless you’ve had a ‘Trading Places’ -style wager with a colleague that you could turn Great Britain into a bankrupt rock within a year using only the international diplomacy of the nation’s favourite rinky-dink posho.

  I fear for this government. No, I fear for this country. Anyone can see that Johnson is eyeing up the big prize. He’s only a few stepping stones away. I only hope he skips the Chancellor’s job otherwise we’ll all be in barrels with braces before budget day.

  I really must be out of here before he ever becomes PM. I want an allotment. I’ve decided. I want to grow vegetables in an allotment by the time he clumps into No. 10 like Herman Munster. I must be done with all this by then. I must.

  AXWORTHY GLOBAL

  PO BOX 998 · ALDINGTON ST · KW17 5EH

  From: M

  To: All @ Axworthy

  Date: 16/12/16

  Heading: How to Turn a Watergate into Insignifigate

  Message:

  It’s transition time again, ladies and gentlemen, and as we all know, these periods of political upheaval must be dealt with as smoothly as possible. We are still in the employment of the Obama Administration, and yet we need to prepare for the arrival next month of President Donald J. Trump, our newest client.

  Press secretary Josh Earnest has ensured that this transition will be as delicate as a tool bag in a tumble dryer by sharing the views of US intelligence officials that President Putin had a direct role in hacking during the election.